WHAT ARE YOU WEARING FOR THANKSGIVING?

When my family gathers for a holiday this is the question most on mother's mind.  What we will be wearing.  Usually about three or four days before a special occasion each of her daughters, all grown and married women get a phone call.  

   As predicted the phone rings.

   "Hello?"  I say while throwing a look at the calender.  Her cheerful tone reveals this is the call.  She enjoys telling us what to do.
  "Good morning Ivey Mae I am calling about Thanksgiving dinner.  I want you to bring several bottles of diet coke.  Make sure you don't get the cheap stuff."
  Deep breath.
  "OK mother.  Is that it?  You don't want me to cook something or bring chips and dip?"
  "No I'm afraid it will have animal hair in it." 
 My pulse quickens.  "I do not let the animals around the food.  You know that."  

   "Just bring the coke.  What are you wearing for Thanksgiving?"   
   "I'm not sure yet.  Why, what do you have in mind?"
   "Could you please just not have your tits hanging out?"
   "God mother why do you have to talk like that."
   "Well, dear you are the one that insists on cleavage and after nursing those kids until they were half grown I think you should just cover them up.  I'd appreciate it."
   
   Mom explains further.

   "What puzzles me is that I have all these good looking daughters and not a one of you knows how to dress.  Lucy doesn't put on any color and slashes her  lipstick  like she is laying in a coffin.  Rosemary thinks the holidays are a pageant and Elizabeth always looks like she lives in a barn.  The only accessory she needs is a hitching post for her horse.  And you, well good lord knows the problem here.  You refuse to wear underwear and only half a brassiere.  And then of course there is Lorraine.  The fashion expert. 

   Even in the winter time she is naked.  She says she has to dress in layers.  What layers?  A layer has to cover something.  If you put a scarf over lace, over a thong.  That is not a darn layer of anything.   Do you remember what she wore last Christmas Eve?   Her necklace was bigger than her shirt.  She doesn't have any tits to hang out so with her I'd be happy if she would just put on some sleeves."