The smooth red candy is clear, and inviting my mouth to taste the sweetness, then crunch through to tangy green apple, waiting below.
The first batch my daughters made were sticky and the second batch was burned. These are oh, so, just right.
I simply adore candy apples. This is my idea of a darned good piece of fruit. I have two brother-in-laws that scrape icing off of cake, because they want just a little cake and alot of icing, like me. I bet they think this is an appropriate breakfast fruit too.
A LTTLE BIT OF IVEY
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
THE WATERING HOLE
I ain't bringin that horse back to the watering hole, much less try and make him drink it. He's been there. Still, he was only on the edge and never drank, only sipped the water. He wasn't thirsty.
He knows where it is and when he gets thirsty he'll want a drink.
Then, he can look for a new hole, an old hole or the watering hole he only sipped at, but is oh so good.
He knows where it is and when he gets thirsty he'll want a drink.
Then, he can look for a new hole, an old hole or the watering hole he only sipped at, but is oh so good.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
MOTHER IN LAWS
When it comes to mother in laws, I've got experience.
I had the best and now have the worst!
My first mother in law was genuine, kind, helpful and sincere. Her beautiful face has a soul of depth, behind it. I learned more from her, then my own mother.
The one I have now can't be too far away in her selfish and inappropriate makeup. Here is one little tidbit for you to imagine in its entirety, if possible.
When my son was almost five, after over 24 hours of grueling labor, I delivered twin baby girls. My mother in law calls me.
Her thoughts and advice were strange, like her.
She was calling to advise me of something that was none of her business and way out of order. This is what she said.
"Ivey Mae make sure that Embry sleeps in his own bed now, so that he will have plenty of privacy to masturbate."
Is your jaw on the floor? Damn, I mistook her call to be of the congratulatory type. This is the kind of stuff that comes out of her mouth on a whim. Can you imagine? The longer I know her, the more I understand.
Shoot, she makes my own mother look completely stable.
I had the best and now have the worst!
My first mother in law was genuine, kind, helpful and sincere. Her beautiful face has a soul of depth, behind it. I learned more from her, then my own mother.
The one I have now can't be too far away in her selfish and inappropriate makeup. Here is one little tidbit for you to imagine in its entirety, if possible.
When my son was almost five, after over 24 hours of grueling labor, I delivered twin baby girls. My mother in law calls me.
Her thoughts and advice were strange, like her.
She was calling to advise me of something that was none of her business and way out of order. This is what she said.
"Ivey Mae make sure that Embry sleeps in his own bed now, so that he will have plenty of privacy to masturbate."
Is your jaw on the floor? Damn, I mistook her call to be of the congratulatory type. This is the kind of stuff that comes out of her mouth on a whim. Can you imagine? The longer I know her, the more I understand.
Shoot, she makes my own mother look completely stable.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
BUBBLE GUM ON THE RAZOR
As the water line rises and steam comfortably fills the luxurious room, I slowly sink into the hot bath with a sigh. I simply adore a nice hotel room. After a couple minutes of soaking, I reach for the razor lying on the side of the tub. To my humor and surprise, I see the yellow handle of the razor blade is sporting a piece of bright pink bubble gum.
My instant reaction is to call my girls in, and determine who the culprit is. Which daughter put their gum on the razor?
It had to be a girl. If one of my son's was finished with gum and had no place to stick it, he would just swallow it. But on second thought, I pause.
Did I do this? Hhmmm, only time will tell, as I shave with the bubblegum razor and place it back on the side of the tub.
I got my answer as each daughter drew her nightly bath, with the same aghast statement that followed.
"Mom! Somebody put bubblegum on the razor!"
My instant reaction is to call my girls in, and determine who the culprit is. Which daughter put their gum on the razor?
It had to be a girl. If one of my son's was finished with gum and had no place to stick it, he would just swallow it. But on second thought, I pause.
Did I do this? Hhmmm, only time will tell, as I shave with the bubblegum razor and place it back on the side of the tub.
I got my answer as each daughter drew her nightly bath, with the same aghast statement that followed.
"Mom! Somebody put bubblegum on the razor!"
Monday, October 17, 2011
I LOVE
I love a man, in golf pants, with golfed shoulders.
Ain't nothin better.
Well, maybe one thing,
a man in jeans and a cowboy hat.
OK. Maybe two things, a man in jeans and a cowboy hat, or a man wearin nothin at all.
Ain't nothin better.
Well, maybe one thing,
a man in jeans and a cowboy hat.
OK. Maybe two things, a man in jeans and a cowboy hat, or a man wearin nothin at all.
Monday, October 10, 2011
WADDLING AINT THE BEST WAY
I come from a long line of waddlers. Serious waddlers.
This movement of going side to side while walking looks especially comical when a waddler is attempting to run. Because the physical dynamics needed to advance forward with speed, are stifled from bobbling east to west, at the same time.
Watching a waddler like me run is remarkably funny, because at a distance you would think I am moving fast. My arms are swinging and my torso held together with appropriate placement of my legs. Somehow in my genetics though, I sway to one side or the other before I land.
So I only go half as far, as a non-waddler. You know, a normal person
Waddling is just not the best way to walk. We take up too much space on the sidewalk and waste energy, ducks have it worse than me though.
My childhood home is on the shores of a huge lake, complete with free roaming neighborhood dogs, cats, kids and ducks.
And when it comes to road-kill, trust me, the numbers are not looking good for the ducks.
Waddling ain't the best way, to cross a street.
This movement of going side to side while walking looks especially comical when a waddler is attempting to run. Because the physical dynamics needed to advance forward with speed, are stifled from bobbling east to west, at the same time.
Watching a waddler like me run is remarkably funny, because at a distance you would think I am moving fast. My arms are swinging and my torso held together with appropriate placement of my legs. Somehow in my genetics though, I sway to one side or the other before I land.
So I only go half as far, as a non-waddler. You know, a normal person
Waddling is just not the best way to walk. We take up too much space on the sidewalk and waste energy, ducks have it worse than me though.
My childhood home is on the shores of a huge lake, complete with free roaming neighborhood dogs, cats, kids and ducks.
And when it comes to road-kill, trust me, the numbers are not looking good for the ducks.
Waddling ain't the best way, to cross a street.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
THE TOOTHPASTE
What doesn't he understand? And moreover why doesn't he understand?
With at least twenty five years under our belt with exactly the same routine,for our family dental health, where is the dang-blasted confusion?
Every time I brush my teeth I place the toothpaste on the shelf, away from the flushing toilet. Every time Chase brushes his teeth, he puts the toothpaste on the counter. Not a right or wrong answer, I suppose, for this ridiculous marital dance. Still, the sequence of events is exactly the same, year in and year out. I place it in the same spot, on the same shelf, time and time again.
Yet, like clockwork I hear a mumbled "I don't understand" while he searches for the toothpaste, every single night before bed. Sometimes he gets really frustrated and I will watch him go from one bathroom to the next, looking for toothpaste, where it again, is on a shelf for sanitary purposes, not hidden for inconvenient use.
Why can't he find it? It ain't a cross-word puzzle. It's right there.
With at least twenty five years under our belt with exactly the same routine,for our family dental health, where is the dang-blasted confusion?
Every time I brush my teeth I place the toothpaste on the shelf, away from the flushing toilet. Every time Chase brushes his teeth, he puts the toothpaste on the counter. Not a right or wrong answer, I suppose, for this ridiculous marital dance. Still, the sequence of events is exactly the same, year in and year out. I place it in the same spot, on the same shelf, time and time again.
Yet, like clockwork I hear a mumbled "I don't understand" while he searches for the toothpaste, every single night before bed. Sometimes he gets really frustrated and I will watch him go from one bathroom to the next, looking for toothpaste, where it again, is on a shelf for sanitary purposes, not hidden for inconvenient use.
Why can't he find it? It ain't a cross-word puzzle. It's right there.
Friday, October 7, 2011
TACKY
Walking down to mother's house, I want to get her opinion of which necklace to wear with my new suit, my book signing clothes.
She is out front and unloading groceries from her car, as she turns and smiles when she hears my approaching foot steps.
"Good morning mother." I tell her, then lean in to kiss her cheek.
"Good morning" she pleasantly replies. "Doesn't this fall air feel wonderful! I hope we have a cold winter."
"Mom which necklace do you think looks better with this blouse?" I ask her while placing a silver chain around my neck, and holding up a similar version for comparison.
She stops and looks. It doesn't take her long.
"They're both tacky."
It's Friday morning and apparently we both got a good nights sleep.
"Oh good." I reply, smiling back. "I have two viable options."
She is out front and unloading groceries from her car, as she turns and smiles when she hears my approaching foot steps.
"Good morning mother." I tell her, then lean in to kiss her cheek.
"Good morning" she pleasantly replies. "Doesn't this fall air feel wonderful! I hope we have a cold winter."
"Mom which necklace do you think looks better with this blouse?" I ask her while placing a silver chain around my neck, and holding up a similar version for comparison.
She stops and looks. It doesn't take her long.
"They're both tacky."
It's Friday morning and apparently we both got a good nights sleep.
"Oh good." I reply, smiling back. "I have two viable options."
Thursday, October 6, 2011
THE TWO TONED GOLF SHOES
Thunder broils in the distant background and persistent humidity is wrapping his truck in a dense blanket of fog, from the eager breath between us. The day is nearly past as the sun winks goodbye and dips beneath the horizon.
My brown and white shoes press up against the glass as we take this kiss, much farther than our last. Forbidden passion breaks the surface of too many years apart in being, and our touch instantly erases, the line of an honorable distance. We can't keep our hands off of each other and don't even try.
Then the night appears and as in a moment, the two-toned golf shoes are the only thing, I have left on.
My brown and white shoes press up against the glass as we take this kiss, much farther than our last. Forbidden passion breaks the surface of too many years apart in being, and our touch instantly erases, the line of an honorable distance. We can't keep our hands off of each other and don't even try.
Then the night appears and as in a moment, the two-toned golf shoes are the only thing, I have left on.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
AUNTIE WANTS TO TRICK OR TREAT
The doorbell rings, alerting us to the pizza delivery man as the house is a flurry with Halloween excitement. Wings and glitter, vampire makeup and fake blood and long black nails scatter the table, as my Aunt is patiently braiding our little Indian's hair.
Stepping back to view her handy work, Auntie declares her thought process.
"You know, I've been thinkin. I want to trick or treat. Heck, if homosexuals can get married and our country is borrowing money from the Chinese, grownups should be allowed to trick or treat."
Stepping back to view her handy work, Auntie declares her thought process.
"You know, I've been thinkin. I want to trick or treat. Heck, if homosexuals can get married and our country is borrowing money from the Chinese, grownups should be allowed to trick or treat."
Saturday, October 1, 2011
RINGIN IN MY EARS
Swinging back and forth in the hammock I am no where to be found as my mind wallows in worry. Staring at the clear blue horizon my focus is beyond the twisting mangroves, miles unto the ocean.
Vacation or not, I simply can not relax. I know something is terribly terribly wrong. Checking for the countless time over the last couple of weeks, I close my eyes, while placing a finger in each ear to drown outside noise. Yep, no doubt about it, ringin in my ear.
Then, something snaps me from my desperate worry and I open my eyes to see Dad standing on the top step, leading from the house. He is staring at me in concern.
"Ivey Mae, why don't you just call the doctor. Leave the babies here with us and drive back to Miami. Have you ear checked out and then you can have some fun. "
As usual Dad is right.
The appointment reveals a few things. Bad news is I have tinnitus in one ear and the condition will most likely stay there for the rest of my life. Good news is, this is a very mild case, should not worsen and my hearing is excellent. The latter is really positive info because once I get used to it, my good hearing should mask the slight distant ringing.
So for the drive home, I am most certainly relieved and ready to fully participate in the family vacation. Here I come. And like always, I call Lucy Lou.
"Hello" she answers, sounding just like me, and all of our other sisters. I quickly recant the doctor visit, to this reply,
"God Ivey Mae, why do you do this to yourself? Must you insist on imagining the absolute worst first? How can this be good for you? So you convince yourself you have a brain tumor and are facing a horribly painful and crippling end of life over something much less complicated and life threatening."
"That's true. That's exactly what I thought. Why else would I have ringing in only one ear? I thought if it was simple in would be in both ears."
"OK, so now that you found out you will just have ringing in your ear the rest of your life.......you feel better."
"Right."
Vacation or not, I simply can not relax. I know something is terribly terribly wrong. Checking for the countless time over the last couple of weeks, I close my eyes, while placing a finger in each ear to drown outside noise. Yep, no doubt about it, ringin in my ear.
Then, something snaps me from my desperate worry and I open my eyes to see Dad standing on the top step, leading from the house. He is staring at me in concern.
"Ivey Mae, why don't you just call the doctor. Leave the babies here with us and drive back to Miami. Have you ear checked out and then you can have some fun. "
As usual Dad is right.
The appointment reveals a few things. Bad news is I have tinnitus in one ear and the condition will most likely stay there for the rest of my life. Good news is, this is a very mild case, should not worsen and my hearing is excellent. The latter is really positive info because once I get used to it, my good hearing should mask the slight distant ringing.
So for the drive home, I am most certainly relieved and ready to fully participate in the family vacation. Here I come. And like always, I call Lucy Lou.
"Hello" she answers, sounding just like me, and all of our other sisters. I quickly recant the doctor visit, to this reply,
"God Ivey Mae, why do you do this to yourself? Must you insist on imagining the absolute worst first? How can this be good for you? So you convince yourself you have a brain tumor and are facing a horribly painful and crippling end of life over something much less complicated and life threatening."
"That's true. That's exactly what I thought. Why else would I have ringing in only one ear? I thought if it was simple in would be in both ears."
"OK, so now that you found out you will just have ringing in your ear the rest of your life.......you feel better."
"Right."
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